Ok so you all know I started my new job. Its great. OK so I have a question, actually a comment really. So at my new job there is about 20 people who work in the office, about 12 of them are female.
Well my problem is (like I think you care) I have been holding my poop.
Ok laugh if you must but I can not poop at work. I just can not do it. I am worried that if I do then someone else will walk in after my poop and that would just not be funny.
See the thing is the 12 of us women share 1 bathroom!! I mean there is no where else I could go, I would be stuck, not to mention that I would need to walk away from the phones for a few moments then someone would look up and wonder outloud "Where is that girl" and when I walk back from the bathroom I would need to walk past 10 of the 12 people who share this bathroom and I am worried that they will look up from there work thinking "I know what you did in there!"
Its just something I have not ever been able to do. I know its "natural" and shit (so to speak) but I just can not do it....
I guess I need to wait to poop at my new job. Maybe its just new job poop jitters.
Or I am just crazy, I have never been good at poopiing anywhere but home...
I am nuts
6 comments:
I think that we are sisters.
Maybe twins.
I dont drop the kids anywhere but at home. Unless it is extreme emergency..and then I go to a different floor. My friends call people like me bathroom bandits. :)
You could always bring a spray can of pretty scent and leave it there for everyone to use! LOL I never have had this problem because if I have to go... I have to go! LOL
Oh, I do the same thing. And if I just must do it. Which does happen ocassionaly because I have the digestion rate of a.....somthing with a really high digestion rate. I seek out the furthest bathroom I can find.
Here is a manual......
How To Poop At Work
Lessons in Life
We've all been there but don't like to admit it.
We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below.
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop
in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.
If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.
No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to
spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.
This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone
walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell
does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often
see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The
Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping
goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the where
abouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to
force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments
that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall
until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an
ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that
you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
I wish the ladies at my work were more like you. Cause they don't care, they let everything rip and it smells and yeah, its gross. I try to get the bathroom when no one else is in there.
Anyhow, I'm sure people aren't going to make that much notice of your "habits" unless you make noises that can be heard out the door. As for smells, I agree with everyone else, take a spray can with you, like an oust one or something.
God this cracked my shit up. People just don't want to talk about this subject. I did it on my blog ( a couple back). We have a handicap bathroom on our floor and that's where I go. I call it the Handy-Crapper. If we ever move off that floor then I will never be able to poop at work again..
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