Nuts!

Ok so I figured out why I have been blue.
Well sort of.
I think it’s the court date looming over my head.
I think it’s the fact that in 2 days I will "know" what being disabled for the rest of your life from an employer is worth.
Its worrying me so much. I mean I have dealt with the disability thing. I know there is nothing I can do, and moving forward I have no control of the situation.
It just sucks to be sitting here dealing with the pain daily and waiting to see what a "judge" thinks its worth. I mean its already pre-decided because so many people seriously abuse the system but I deal with the pain daily. And I will for the rest of my life. They can not fix it. They can do surgery to "lessen" the pain but they say that may or may not help. I am not about to have surgery on my back that they are not 100% that it will relieve me of the pain. The reason they can not fix it is because I have 3 torn nucleus pulpous (ligaments) in 3 different places.
Yeah I am messed up bad.
I am going to cry if the judge says something like "Here's $500 sorry you are messed up for the rest of your life"
And you know its not even about the money.
Its about the system.
It’s a really horrible system. Yeah sure I am thankful for the lifetime medical but my lawyer has explained to me that as soon as we "settle" its really hard to get anything taken care of. For instance he explained that even if I wanted to go to the doctors about my back I need to go through him, he summits to the insurance they have 20 days to respond to the request (he says they usually deny it the first few times) then I can actually go to the doctor.
This has been a lot of my stress the last few weeks.
I am sad.
I know I have no control and I have to sit and wait to see what happens, I have really low expectations at this points because of everything I have already had to endure (see this)

AGG
I just want it to be done. Over with but at the same time I am sick thinking about all the "shit" that I still have to go through.
Yeah its great they have to pay me a settlement, I understand it's not anything huge because its all done on a scale depending on the "RATE" of your injury.
This just sucks ass big time I always have to deal with this situation and they get to pay me to go away.
Somehow its just not fair.
I guess thats life.....