Monday, January 15, 2007

Mental note to self:

1. Do not go to a first time visit to your "new" doctor when you have PMS. Or not that you have PMS more that you are a few days away from your period and you should have known better.

2. Do not cry/sob when she is doing her medical history and asks if you have children, when do you plan to have children, do you have problems having children? Why are you married with no children. Do you have a good marriage? Is your relationship an abusive one either physical or mental? (while she eyes up the HUGE bruise on your leg from where some little kid kicked you with his plastic skates last week)

Ok so I am pretty sure that my new doctor thinks I am crazy, and if not crazy certainly borderline. She offered a few times to send me to an OBGYN to see if its possible to have babies although being told on numerous occasions that it can not happen.
I cried while she explained some of the advances in medicine. That they can put me on medication before we try to have a baby and that I can be closely monitored by a Dr.
I explained that we are not there yet, that a baby is one of the furthest things from either of our minds at this point.

But why was I crying? Why could I not stop crying? Why did the baby talk make me so upset? I know my body is ready it tells me every 28 days that its ready its changing to tell me its ready.....

Friggin hell!!

Ok so crying is done, thinking is done. Do I want a baby? I want a baby to see the hubby be a father, if he loves his kids (notice plural) if he loves his kids half as much as he loves me then he would be an amazing father. Right now I love to see my friends babies spoil my friends babies.

Who knows. Maybe some day. But if you had been told since you were 15 that you could never carry a child to term, and your chance to actually have a healthy baby due to all YOUR complications.

I could not live with that. The doctors all say its life if you lose a child. But I would never want to be in that situation. I would never want to lose a child and know that it was my fault.

And then I also believe that some times you just have to have faith, faith in life, faith in yourself, faith in what's in store for you, and what is ment to be will be.

Ok so so serious..just needed to vent

Oh and apparently I have a small Vagina


Patty said...

A small vagina! No wonder hubby loves you so much...(if that was too crude please delete me.)

The whole baby to have/not have thing is huge, much more difficult choice then when I was your age, because it seems more "ok" to society in general if a couple doesn't want kids. Knowing what you know adds to the responsibility of the decision. You should be proud that all you did was cry. You might have screamed/threw things/ran from the room naked/etc...

Today, decide not to decide, and then put your faith in "what will be will be" until you know what "what" is.

Anonymous said...

I have lost it at the doctors office before... for no REAL reason.
I think they expect it.

Anonymous said...

Take it from me, I was told for 9-1/2 years that if I could get pg that I would not be able to carry the baby to full term. Needless to say I have a 4-1/2 year old daughter that is a walking medical wonder. She made it through everything and is perfectly health. I think you said it right when you said you have to have faith and believe in faith. The love you and your husband share was never meant for jsut the two of you, God will send you a beautiful baby when all is right and you both will be AWESOME parents.
Love TT

Anonymous said...

I always SAID you had a small vagina!!! NOW you owe me a COKE!!! HA!!

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