Bah humbug to Mothers day..

Ok maybe a bit rash... a little harsh, but yesterdays mother day seemed almost a little hurtful.

I am going to spew this all out and I have thought about this ALL DAY!

I love my mom. We have had our ups ands downs but who hasn't? I actually miss her. And for me to utter those words is strange. Even for me. Over the years and the fact that I live 3000 miles away in a different country has helped us.

Sometimes you need to see the trees through the forest.

Anyways onto my bah humbug.

Yesterday started a day like many, I was excited for the day. I was excited it was mother's day. I made sure to call my mom as soon as I was coherent enough to do so, because today was a sleep in day for me.. We chatted a bit got caught up on family news I told her I loved her and started getting ready for work.

When I got to work it all changed. Everyone was busy (busiest day of the year) and ALL these familys who I have no idea where they came from in this little po dunk town, came out to eat at our restaurant.

But it was not that we were busy. Or that everyone was with their moms.

It dawned on me at 30 years old (although I have known for MUCH longer)

That I will never "have" this day.

The day to get all gussied up and head out to Chilli's, or Applebee's, or Outback with my "family" especially for this day.

I will never get that home made card, or ceramic frog made for me that has been hidden away under their bed so they can surprise me. I will never know the joys or successes of my own child. The never ending finger paintings and kisses and hugs.

My heart hurts for that. Until today I never really "thought" that way. I never really even talked about it with the hubby.... I am sitting up, not able to sleep and all of these emotions are coming back to me.

I was asked at least 15 times "Are you a mom?" And also people told me "Happy Mothers day" I just smiled and returned the gesture.

I feel like a fraud. A bit of a fake. Because for those brief moments that it was believed that I had children I relished in it.

I know I do not have to justify myself to anyone about "why" and what complications there would be or that I have been told by 3 nerologist that it just will not happen for me.

I came to terms with that a long time ago. Being from a family with 5 kids it almost seems natural to have a whole clan of my own. I gave up that hope years ago.

And maybe its because I am a women. And I can feel my clock ticking a little too loudly now; for something that will never be....

It still does not stop the longing and I do not know so much as it is to be a mother... But I would love to see the hubby be a father....

And who carries on for you if something happens? I mean what if something happened to me.. Or the hubby.. To not have that legacy...

And yes I know there are "ways" and "options" but none that would work for us....

We (the hubby and I) are both ok with not having kids. Its something we had discussed early on in the relationship but it leaves me with all these emotions of what if??

I am a firm believed in "Everything happens for a reason" and you never really know for sure what the future holds.

I am thankful each day, for the blessings in my life. For meeting and falling in love with my soul mate, the man of my dreams.

And I wonder out loud today what the plan is for me, for us? And our love???

(well other than 90 year old shoe hoarder with husband who has gone insane because there is no longer a bed frame holding up the bed its shoe boxes???)